By: Guest Blogger~ Kylie Odetta Hi guys! I'd like to thank Kylie Odetta and her wonderful manager, Lori Hinze for sharing this story of hope during a time full of fear and anxiety. If you're struggling with depression and anxiety, I highly encourage you to tell a trusted adult and check out the resources at the bottom of the post. I hope you guys enjoy Kylie's hope-filled story (and be sure to also check out her video at the bottom of the post)! - Chris V :) Two years ago I found myself sitting on the curb in the back of a restaurant parking lot… numb, lifeless, feeling like I’d rather die. I had driven there to meet my parents for lunch but I couldn’t even bring myself to walk inside because I couldn’t fake it anymore. I couldn’t muster up enough energy to face another human being and chat like everything was normal. My parents eventually came outside looking for me and found me sitting there - a shell of myself with no hope, no life in my eyes. They practically carried me into the car and drove me home as I wept. You see, by the time I reached this moment, for three months I had been battling crippling, debilitating, soul sucking, identity stealing, anxiety, in the form of intrusive thoughts. Nowhere was safe because even my own mind, my inner world, was against me. I felt like I couldn’t escape and the more I focused on trying to rid myself of this anxiety, these demons in my mind, the more intensely I suffered. Slowly, I lost my confidence, my hope, my identity, my sanity, my personality. But my story doesn’t stop in the depths of the dark. When we got back to the house that day, I opened up to my parents about the extent of what I’d been going through and my journey to healing began. I went to a therapist, I did my own research on cognitive behavioral therapy, I went to different ministry nights, I prayed and I begged God for help, but I didn’t feel like I was making progress. I would have a few hours of distraction and then everything would come rushing back. I had experienced anxiety for most of my life but didn’t necessarily know how to describe what I was feeling. I had also followed Jesus for most of my life but didn’t really understand the extent of his power and ability to save until I came face to face with hopelessness. The end of my ability to save myself had been reached and so in an effort that felt like “this is my last shot”, I clung to the words of God - praying that He wouldn’t let me down but feeling like in some ways maybe He already had. On a retreat of sorts, at a close family-friend’s ranch in North Carolina, I vaguely shared what was going on with my friend, Joy. She gave me the advice to speak the word of God out loud over myself every morning and as many times a day as I needed. She believed that the power of life and death was in the tongue - that declaring the truth over myself and pleading the blood of Jesus over my mind would begin to replace the lies and thoughts I currently lived in, until I saw myself as strong and free again. This practice of retraining or “renewing your mind” through positive affirmations and in this case, scripture, is biblical, it is scientific, and it seemed worth a try. When I first said those few timid words out loud, I felt silly but desperate. As I began to do this more and more, day after day, week after week, I noticed something within me changing. The words “I was not given a spirit of fear but I spirit of power and love and sound mind” repeated out of my mouth so many times a day that I lost count. The words “Rejoice! Again, I say to you rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident for the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything present your requests to God and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” became my heart’s cry. But none of these words would hold any authority to be claimed as true or possible for me to believe if I didn’t trust who said them. God is someone I think a lot of people are afraid to talk about in culture today because people are afraid to have different opinions and beliefs. I will admit that even I have felt that way before, many times. But the simple fact is that my story is not complete or full of redemption without Him. The way I see it, all of creation: skies, oceans, birds, volcanoes, complex humans… it points and shouts and dances towards a creator. It’s wild that we’re here in the first place and so in my mind, for a God in which everything is possible, raising a man from the dead is surely possible too. The ripple effect that this one man, Jesus, had and still has on the earth and culture today is too massive to be dismissed. Therefore, if God is real and resurrection is possible and the widespread imprint He has made on the world is any case for believing, He might be able to be trusted, He might be who he really says he is. Now, the reason I believe in Him goes beyond this and is coupled with the very personal experiences I have encountered with Him through this battle with anxiety and throughout the course of my life. So to continue the story… I had enough faith to try out his spoken word over my life and as I replaced untruth with truth, I was able to face the thoughts and anxieties in my mind. I was able to watch my body and my spirit rise up to meet the beautiful truths that He spoke over me. I was able to “take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ”. I literally would mentally wave hello and goodbye to my crazy thoughts, accepting that they would come and then that they would go. I was only able to do this because I no longer feared that they were true. What anxiety does is it latches onto a thought and then spins that thought into oblivion because it is afraid of it. When I started to lose my fear because I knew who I really was as a strong, confident, surrounded, fought for, and victorious daughter of God, I was able to overcome what had crippled me. But let me assure you that my progress was not linear. It did not come in a perfect moment of relief but rather a long, daily battle, of fighting to hold on to the truth and to my identity in God. A moment along the way to restoration that I remember vividly was when I was sitting with my head in my hands during a worship song and God gave me a vision of hope. I was running in a field and I was running as fast as I could go but there was a thick, black, roiling, cloud of darkness, following closely behind. It was about to catch up to me and overtake me when I tripped, thinking this is the end. Instead, Jesus was all of the sudden at my side, picking me up and pushing my back, helping me run the rest of the way. As we ran together, him supporting my every step, the darkness could never reach us. I saw all of this and heard the simple statement “run after me”. I share this vision to tell you that I, Kylie Odetta, could not save myself on my own. But with the absolute help and saving grace of Jesus, his closeness, his truth, his power given to me - I was able. He has already overcome death and every demon, darkness, anxiety, or depression that we could ever face. He has given us the victory over them as well. This vision was a major anchor for me in my fight and it is indeed a fight. Our part, my part, was and still is to stay in the fight, stay in the race, and allow the God of this universe to fight alongside me and on my behalf when I can’t seem to take another step. When we fight, we can’t lose. My new song “Roots & Petals” is the first one that I wrote as I was coming out of this battle with anxiety. It still rings true. It’s about the fight for life, for joy, for peace. We all grow weary, none of us exempt or alone in our suffering, yet each of our lives is worth living. Looking back I am able to see ashes traded for beauty and I just want whoever is reading this to know that whatever battle you are facing - there truly is hope. Anxiety and depression and abuse don’t get to mark you for the rest of your life. Your mind is entirely retrainable in it’s patterns. It’s magnificent and it’s my very own testimony. 2 years later and although moments of anxiety may pop up, I am living confidently, empowered, and anxiety free in Christ. My therapist explained our thought patterns as marbles being dropped onto a tall pile of sand… over time, after dropping a marble in the same spot for so long, a path is created. For me, I had been creating pathways for anxiety my entire life until they almost sent me over the edge. But although it can be difficult and it often takes time, new pathways can be created. We can replace the lies with the truth, the fears with courage, the doubts with faith. And when our thoughts turn into thorns, as sometimes they will, we must know deep in our bones who we are: strong, loved, well-able, children of God. We hold the power to overcome anything because of a God who has proven his love for us, a God to whom everything is possible. Xoxo Kylie Odetta www.kylieodetta.com P.S. - No matter what you face, know that you are wanted here. There are people who love you, a God who cares deeply for you, and an inner strength that you have yet to discover. There is also absolutely no shame in seeking help. Please reach out to a loved one or a healthcare professional if you need to. Your life is worth living. Check out Kylie's story behind her song "Roots & Petals" here: If you're struggling with thoughts of anxiety and depression, we recommend calling:
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